At the start of summer I felt the anxiety that constant time with the kids was going to be too much. How could I fill all the days of summer? How was I going to deal with their constant fighting? I thought the summer seemed somewhat daunting. Maybe Summer 2008 would just be too long. 24/7 with my boys seemed as if it might be too intense.

We took a family vacation in Cape Cod, and then eased into the routine of swim lessons and not much else, I actually began to enjoy the time with the boys. I loved that I didn't have to constantly be somewhere. I enjoyed not having to wake up with a start, rush to make lunches while I barked orders about getting dressed . I thought it was pure freedom to not race out of the house at 8:10 five days a week to be on time for school. I eased into summer and started to love it. I started to realize that summer was exactly what I needed. I needed the rest. I was exhausted from constant carpools, play dates, errands and activities. Sam seemed to settle down too. I think he liked the absence of chaos. He was calmer. We all started to have fun together. I noticed the boys went for long periods of time without outbursts. It felt great.

Sometime around August, a subtle dread started to come around again. I began to feel resistant to the coming chaos, the demanding schedule, the constant constancy. That coupled with the fact that I had to think about Alex as a first grader. It all somehow seemed so impossible to accept.

The night before school was to start, and the boys were in bed, I came into the bedroom to find Michael looking at photographs on his computer and chuckling. He had this picture up on the screen and he asked me: "Can you believe this is now our first grader?"  

No, I simply couldn't believe it.

Michael and I rode bikes with Alex to his school this morning for the first day. Alex was riding as fast as he could. He was so excited! I kept screaming from the back of the pack, "ALEX, SLOW DOWN!" For all the screaming I did, it was fruitless. I could not slow things down. 

We arrived at school, met his teacher and he was thrilled to have several friends in his class. He said, "mommy, this is so weird, all my friends are here." And in that instant, my sweet little Alex became a first grader.

My only choice, was to let go and let it be. Once I accepted that, it all seemed a bit easier. It's all part of the deal. Apparently it's not stopping here.